Blockage

My mind swells up in confusion... Why am I confused? Why can't I just get the picture? My head lightly falls as it gently hits my arm... I feel the sensation of my eyelashes flicker up and down on my arm... As I'm drifting off, my eyelashes pierce together, a sea of words envelope me... The words being spoken out loud, but seems far from a distance. Something is blocking, and i feel deafness, why can't I understand? Why does it seem all lost...sometimes you think you've got it all figured out... But it's more than that... my goal is to go beyond all this, and wake up, snap out of it, this is reality!

Thoughts of my day

I'm fustrated, my mind is overflowing...My thoughts are not being heard, or maybe I'm just not expressive enough...So many days have passed, I feel like its all a blur and I'm just wasting my time...
I feel like my foots in my mouth and I cant express my words...
Ever feel like u don't belong? Or like when your with the wrong crowd and u kind of don't fit in? Or how about when people say they can read you like a book, its really irritating and could be annoying.
I feel like there's a sword piercing through my heart, Its just pounding faster and faster... What do people want from me? Or more like what don't they want from me?
what do people expect of me? Do I really expect too little of myself?
All I want is to be true and honest with myself...
but that's when the fustration kicks in... It seems like noone cares or noone is intrested and it makes me feel down and upset...Or maybe I'm just being jugementle
I just feel empty

Suckot in israel

suckot in israel was beutifull! Just coming to the kotel friday night and seeing thousands of people davening with theire heart and souls... Its just stuning...
Then you see a bunch of seminary girls just grabing random people and soldiers and just dancing away at the kotel! where else would u see this? I dont know why the Israelies would pack up thiere bags for Tishrei and move to crown hieghts? I mean i understand they want to be with the Rebbe... we feel the Rebbe here to ... we are in the holy land... the jewish land ... where everything happend... where in the world would you see suckas everywhere? and going to the arba minim shuck erev suckot where thousands of people are selling esrogim and lulavim...? its pretty ausome...I think!
just so many things happend over suckot ... i can sit and write for hours all the dramatic experiences... trying to get on a bus to chevron to be with everyone and go to the kvorim you got pushed and smashed and kicked and literly people risked theire lives to go to chevron and im not exagerating... my friend got a tomato smashed in her face all this to be in chevron! on the way back from chevron was even worse it was insane we tried leaving chevron at 5 30pm we didnt get on a bus till 11pm you had to seriously push and push and push and squish to get on a bus and its like all of a sudden shomer negiah doesnt exsist... u have the frumest rabbies with payis down to thiere toes pushing you and smashing you... its a real turn of, u would think they are so frum that when u ask for directions they stop for a second ...look dow and walk away... they wouldnt look at a girl but when it comes to gettig back home... they can touch,push,squeeze,bite,hit,curse... the whole 9 yards.. wtvr! but in the end it was worth the trip to chevron i had a blast dancing with all my friends at the concert!
anyway like i said i can sit an write for hours lots of thoughts are going on in my head!!! and i wish i could but i dont have much time to be online
anyway guys israel is cool so far! i'm sure it will get better! its only the begining
love you all and miss you tons!!